I want a real puppy not “The Black Dog”

Winston Churchill famously named his depression his “Black Dog”. I never quite

understand the nature of this beast, until I encountered a “puppy” of my own.

Photo by Alexander Grey on Unsplash

When you look through my old photo albums, ever since a baby, I was always jolly, smiling.

As a child, photos with friends from schools and university, I was always the one full of joy

and mischief. Surely, I am the least likely candidate for depression right?

Well, what people didn’t see behind the façade of a these snaps was that I am a child of

trauma. I suffered from physical and emotional abuse from my mother. For years, the rest

of my family found it very hard to confront my mother with her Personality Disorder, her

unpredictable mood swings and aggressive controlling behaviour. Instead, the family

became over compensating, over protective with their love for me which all meant well but

it didn’t allow me any room to grow and learn about Decision Making.

So being a woman in my 40s, like many other people, I found myself at many crossroads.

I’ve became what was described by Katherine Woodward Thomas (Author of “Conscious

Uncoupling”) as “an insecure, people pleasing, self-abandoning, and chronically over-giving

person” in order to prove my value. I was unable to make decisions for myself as I fear it

was going to be the wrong one. I was unable to deal with a simple fact of life that my

significant person was moving away because I had deep attachment issues with my parents,

and abandonment from my mother.

Suddenly, I found it impossible to cope. It started because I was feeling low. Then, the

rumination, anxiety, the “should’ve, would’ve, could’ve” kicked in. Gradually, when too

many things were happening in life and my brain simply didn’t have to capacity to deal with

them all at once. I turned into a mess. A mess that wake up with a heavy heart and great

sense of hopelessness. A mess who lost interest in getting out of bed. A mess who just

didn’t want to do anything whatsoever. If the state of my house was anything to go by, you

would know what I mean and I usually clean and tidy for stress relieve! In my mind, it felt

like I was standing on the edge of a big, deep, dark hole. So close that I could easily fall in

and not being able to climb out again.

Only through some of the cognitive exercises in Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy that I

realised this had happened before. In a much milder form of course but the behavioural

patterns, the aversion, the coping strategies were so similar.

So can mindfulness be helpful and supportive when we get like this?

Well, for a start, through a more Trauma Sensitive approach towards my mindfulness

practices, I was reminded to be very gentle with myself. I learnt that there was no point in

trying to fix and do anything when I am not ready to deal with them. As David Travelean said

in his Trauma Sensitive Mindfulness Workshop, it is a bit like trying to ply open your

clenched fist. It will never open with ease. However, if you simply hold it with the other

hand, given time, the fist soften and slowly release.

Secondly, my practical self was saying, I am not quite ready but I am willing, I need a

strategy in place. In the book “Radical Compassion”, by Tara Brach, an American

Psychologist, talked about the RAIN exercise – Recognising, Allowing, Investigating,

Nurturing. It formed a very helpful structure within the mindfulness practice, particularly

when challenging feelings are here:

Recognising what is happening;

Allowing the experience to be there, just as it is;

Investigating with interest and care;

Nurturing with self-compassion.

So in my case, I recognised all the foundational behavioural patterns and thoughts had lead

me to my depression - "Pluto – the Black Dog". By simply registering and allowing Pluto to be here. Investigating how Pluto’s presence is affecting me during a sitting practice moment by moment: Was it always this intense with every breath or did the sensation change over

time? Then the nurturing… probably the hardest part to do because when you are at rot

bottom, self-compassion is like The Invisible Man. However, just like the clenched fist analogy by Travelean, if you could simply hold yourself in mind with kindness and gentleness, even just sitting and breathing, in time, you might find that sense of opening, softening. Even the notion of allowing, giving yourself permission to say it is ok to care for yourself and love yourself a bit more and that you are worth it.

I’d like to think of my “Black Dog” as a puppy. Pluto is not all bad really. Yes, he can be very

demanding, overly energetic in some days, tearing my house apart so to speak. But just like

a real puppy, if I give it my best shot with training, and tender loving care, who knows?

Perhaps, he might spend more time sleeping quietly in the corner of my mind and not

barking at me so much.

Written by Rina Cheung for her Mindful Beti Journals © All rights reserved.